| How to | How not to |
| Write a list categorised by supermarket area - vegetables, bakery, meat etc |
Write a list as things occur to you in an entirely random order |
| Estimate quantities of items needed and any relevent details |
Write 'bananas' and then despair in the supermarket about how many and how green |
| Write list in a small hardback notepad so you can cross things off easily |
Write list on an A4 piece of paper and forget to take a pen |
| Take large bags with you that can hold a sensible amount of groceries |
Take a blue ikea bag that breaks your back if you try to fill it |
| Pick a time to go shopping when the supermarket will be empty and peaceful |
Go at a Friday lunchtime |
| Carefully select a supermarket that is well laid out and spacious |
Go to Chiswick Sainsburys |
| Park close to the exit |
Park in Reading |
| Start off with the simple items that can easily be ticked off |
Start with the turkey and find yourself sobbing into a freezer while you still have an empty trolley |
| Remember, everyone is in the same boat and they are not actually conspiring to get in your way, park their trolleys in the middle of the aisles or send their children as some form of advance ground troops |
Shout |
| Shop systematically, calmly, patiently and remember that you are shopping for a party that will be a lot of fun and that none of your friends will actually care |
Wander randomly, gibber and decide you hate everyone and want to be a hermit |
| Make sure you cross everything off the list so you do not have to go out again |
Stare at your list for 5 minutes then decide you'd rather run over your foot than go and find custard |
| Work with your partner to load the checkout logically and evenly so that everything comes off the conveyor logically and evenly |
Shop by yourself, throw everything on the conveyor as it comes and fail to fit everything on one conveyor so you have to beg the checkout person to stop halfway through processing stuff so you can finish emptying the trolley |
| Carefully fill bags so items are grouped together and load the trolley so that heavy items don't squash the fruit |
Throw everything in as it comes |
| Hand over the credit card and don't think about it |
Whimper |
| Load the car so that the bags with heavy stuff are on the bottom, squashable stuff on the top and fragile stuff carefully positioned |
Realise the boat sailed on that one at the checkout and throw it in. Then rearrange it all as you realise the boot doesn't close. All while being laughed at by the person cleaning a car behind you |
| Accept that just because you can't see it, doesn't mean there isn't logic behind the layout of the car park |
Swear |
| Patiently drive home, the end is in sight, fear not |
Catch every red light in existence and sit in a traffic jam muttering to yourself |
| Park as close as possible to your front door to minimise travel |
Have to parallel park while surrounded by watching drivers three doors down because bloody neighbours need 7 spots for their cars and pounce on any vacant space at puma like speeds |
| Put all your bags in the kitchen near the locations their contents will end up |
Dump them in the hallway right in front of their door so you trip over them |
| Unpack all your bags so that you've completed the whole process and can relax |
Realise there's no space in the freezer, fridge or cupboards, leave all bags in hallway |
| Celebrate completing your task with lunch and a job well done |
Collapse in heap, realise you haven't actually got anything to eat for lunch. Sob. Rant at LJ |
